


Why am I alone?

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [5]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Relapsing, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, referenced suicide attempts, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 06:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14665218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: When Jae starts to spiral, he doesn't try to push everyone away. He doesn't mean to isolate himself and scream at the few people he holds dear to him, but sometimes the thoughts become too much.Jae's depression begins to eat away at him again, and his friends continue to remind him how much he's loved.





	Why am I alone?

Jae looked at his wall. He could hear the clock ticking on and on, but he couldn’t be bothered to turn around and see just how long he had been staring at the wall, not thinking of anything. He knew he was getting bad again but he didn’t know how to stop it.

He could try to talk himself out of it, but part of him still wanted to give into the darkness and let it consume him. Instead of choosing, he just stared at his wall. It was easier than making a decision. It was easier than getting up to shower or eat or talk to his friends that have been blowing up his phone for the past day and a half.

“It’s getting bad again.” Brian didn’t ask when he let himself in. He knew better. He knew his best friend like the back of his hand. He knew when Jae stopped responding in the group chat that something was wrong. He knew when he started getting The Texts that it was another spiral.

The first time Jae sent him the texts, he almost called the police to make sure his friend was still alive. Now, he knew better. He knew the best thing he could do was just be there for Jae, even if it never felt like it was enough. Brian had been in class when he got the texts.

_“Brian, why does it hurt to breathe?”_

_“I don’t know what to do anymore.”_

_“I want to hurt myself but I’m too tired to even do that.”_

_“I don’t want to hurt anymore._ ” They came in rapid succession, and at the third message Brian was already packing up his books. He had explained to his professor at the beginning of the semester why he sometimes ran out of class, and she was thankfully understanding.

Jae didn’t say anything. He just let silent tears trail down his face as his friend pulled him into an embrace.

* * *

  
Jae stared at his leg numbly.

He hadn’t gone into his shower expecting to relapse. Really, he didn’t. He watched the red trail down his pale skin with complete apathy. He didn’t feel a thing. He just wanted to feel something. He didn’t mean to relapse, but the blade was just so shiny and inviting, sitting in the little retainer holder he bought to hide them. No one questioned the container in his bathroom, not even his overly observant friends.

Jae made another swipe, trying to push down harder. He didn’t hiss as the blade sliced through already scarred skin. He didn’t react when there was no blood at first. The only reaction he gave was gasping when the pain suddenly hit. That’s when he knew he finally went deep enough – when the pain doesn’t come for a few seconds - when it does a part of him screams that something was wrong. Oh, something was wrong alright.

Jae was wrong.

He made another cut, trying for a deeper gouge. He didn’t need to cover them anymore. He had dropped the dance class he had taken as an elective. He was never any good anyway. Sure, he liked it. A lot actually. But it was okay. He only wore jeans or basketball shorts. He stopped going to the gym and let himself waste away.

By the time he grew bored of mutilating himself, there were too many cuts to count and he was lightheaded. He didn’t clean up. He lived alone, in a small one roomed apartment paid for by his scholarship. As much as he didn’t want to do anything, he made sure to keep his grades up. If he weren’t naturally good at school, he might be in trouble.

Jae collapsed on his bed, leg still bleeding freely. He slept well that night.

* * *

  
“Jae hyung, you need to eat something.” Wonpil said, voice heavy with worry. Jae looked at the younger boy with listless eyes. It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry, it was that the thought of eating tired him out to the point that he napped rather than making something.

“I’m fine Pillie,” He said, his voice rough from not talking for almost three days straight. “I’ll grab something later I guess.”

“I’m getting you food,” Wonpil didn’t leave room for arguments. “Stay here.”  
That was something Jae could do. He sat at the table, watching some birds hop around the lawn. He watched Wonpil disappear into the Chipotle and he felt a stab in his chest.

He knew the younger boy didn’t like Chipotle, but he knew that Wonpil knew it was one of his favorite places to eat. He didn’t deserve Wonpil.

“I got your usual order,” Wonpil slipped into the seat next to Jae, bringing the older boy out of his thoughts. “I want you to eat as much as you can, okay?”

Jae didn’t respond, but he took the fork and began to pick at the burrito bowl. Wonpil even remembered that he liked extra guacamole. Jae ate two bites before resting his head on Wonpil’s shoulder. He continued to take small bites as the younger boy whispered encouragements to him. Jae could taste his tears when they fell into his food.

* * *

  
“Jae, you’re cutting again, aren’t you?” Brian asked one night when they were watching some videos online. Jae froze. His chest suddenly felt too warm and it was like his heart had dropped to his stomach. “Did it get that bad again?”

“I’m sorry...” Jae sobbed, the tears hitting him like a tidal wave of emotion. Brian’s eyes widened at the sudden onslaught of tears and took his friend’s hand.

“Jae, listen to me. You don’t have to be sorry,” he said as soothingly as possible. He lost count of how many times he had this talk his the older boy, but he was willing to do it a thousand times over if it meant bringing Jae some comfort. “You’re okay. It’s alright to relapse, you hear me? You aren’t a failure for relapsing. You aren’t a disappointment.”

“I’m a disappointment.” Jae murmured, his words butchered by his tears.

“You are NOT a disappointment,” Brian repeated himself sternly but Jae wasn’t listening. His sobs quickly turned into hyperventilating and soon Jae was shaking so hard he was going to throw up. The entire time, he kept screaming how he was a failure, a disappointment, a worthless human being. “Jae, listen to me. You aren’t worthless. You’re amazing.”

“Worthless, pathetic, waste of space-”

“Wonderful, perfect, worthy of love.”

“Brian stop lying to me-”

“Smart, caring Jae. Handsome and talented and funny.”

“Brian, please…”

“You’re so important to so many people Jae. Wonpil looks up to you. Dowoon looks up to you. I look up to you. We all do because we can see how strong you are. So strong for fighting through this and still finding a way to help us on top of everything.”

“Brian…” Jae’s voice was almost silent.

“You are so amazing and it hurts knowing you’re the only one who doesn’t know that-”

“YOUNGHYUN WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?” Jae screamed, effectively shocking the other into silence. Jae never used his full name. Brian froze, barely registering the absolute horror on Jae’s face when he realized he had exploded.

“Jae-” He called after the blond, but he had already sprinted away. Brian tried chasing after him, but Jae had already lost him on the large campus of their school. He pulled out his phone and sent a message to the separate chat – the one without Jae, created to talk about how to help the missing member of their group.

 **SpecialK** : Jae’s gone

 **FatherFigure** : What do you mean?

 **Wonderpil** : Did you talk to him about his leg?

 **SpecialK** : Yeah…

 **SpecialK** : It’s worse than we thought

 **BigBaby** : where is he now?

 **SpecialK** : I don’t know

 **SpecialK** : I was trying to snap him out of a panic attack

 **SpecialK** : And he screamed at me before running away

 **SpecialK:** He said “Younghyun will you shut the fuck up”

 **SpecialK** : And just… ran away

 **Wonderpil** : ……

 **BigBaby** : Holy shit…

 **FatherFigure** : We have to find him

 **FatherFigure** : Now

 **Wonderpil** : What if we’re too late?

 **FatherFigure** : Don’t say that

 **SpecialK:** I’m going to check his apartment

 **Wonderpil:** I’ll check the library

 **BigBaby:** I’m already heading to the park

 **FatherFigure:** I’ll check the coffee shop on the corner by his place

 **SpecialK** : God don’t let us be too late…

* * *

  
“Jae hyung!” Dowoon called as he saw a familiar figure. The lanky silhouette didn’t move as the younger boy raced towards him.

Jae was sitting on the grass, right by the edge of the little pond in the center of the park. The park, while usually teeming with life, was deserted at that time of day. Jae watched the moonlight reflect off the water that was gently lapping against the edge of the pond.

“Go away Dowoon.” Jae sounded uncharacteristically monotone. Dowoon felt something inside him flinch at the sound of his name – no nickname, no ‘Dowonnie’, no anything.

“Let’s go home, okay hyung? It’s chilly out.” He tried sounding normal, despite the situation being anything but that.

“I yelled at Brian.” Jae said softly, not looking away from the water. Dowoon hesitated before sitting next to the older boy on the damp grass.

“He told us.”

“He must hate me now.” Jae sniffled, tears already streaming down his face again.

“He could never hate you,” Dowoon sat closer so the smaller boy could lean against his side. It scared him just how small Jae was getting. It was like there was nothing next to him. “He was so worried about you.”

“I don’t deserve him,” Jae whimpered, and the sound broke Dowoon’s heart. He could feel Jae start to shake violently and wrapped an arm around him, but he knew it wasn’t from the cold. “I don’t deserve any of you. I’m a shitty friend and a pathetic person. I should do you all a favor and actually kill myself this time. No more failures. You’ll all be better off without me.”

“That’s not true at all.” Dowoon was scared. He knew Jae was depressed, and that the elder had suicidal thoughts, but he had never heard his friend say such disturbing things himself.

“All I do is hold you back,” Jae kept talking, as if Dowoon hadn’t said anything. “It would be so easy too… then Brian wouldn’t have to take care of me all the time and Wonpil could focus on class and Sungjin wouldn’t have to take notes for me and you wouldn’t have to see me be such a pathetic mess all the time. I’m your hyung. I’m supposed to take care of you but all I do is make you take care of me instead. I’m a fucking failure.” He sobbed, doubling over with the weight of his mind.

Dowoon let his hyung cry, tears of his own silently slipping down his cheeks. He knew there was nothing he could say that would get through to Jae then. Instead, he let Jae rant and sob and let out everything the older boy had been holding in for the past few days. Finally, when Jae sobbed himself into exhaustion, Dowoon carefully loaded the smaller boy onto his back and carried him from the park.

* * *

  
Jae woke up with a blasting headache and a dry mouth. He instantly knew he wasn’t in his own apartment because the sheets were soft and warm, while his were always rough from crumbs and reddish-brownish stains. He sat up and saw Wonpil sleeping peacefully next to him.

“You’re awake,” Sungjin’s voice came from the doorway. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes dark and his hair a mess. “You want come coffee?”

“Yes please.” Jae whispered, his words cracking painfully. Sungjin nodded and left, leaving Jae to struggle out of the bed and follow. Jae assumed Wonpil had pitched a fit until he was allowed to stay with the blond overnight. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

Sungjin, Wonpil, Brian and Dowoon shared one of the four room apartments the school offered as housing. Despite being different ages, their major allowed them to dorm together, much to the relief of the four boys. Jae padded silently to the kitchen, where Sungjin was already setting a mug of coffee on the table.

“You want some painkillers?” He asked Jae, who nodded slightly.

“I’m sorry.” Jae said almost silently after he took the pills – carefully counted by Sungjin, who was hyper aware of how many pills the elder took after his first attempt. Sungjin slid into the seat across from him with his own mug.

“You don’t have to apologize. We’re just happy you’re safe.” He offered Jae a smile, but it just made the blond feel even worse.

“I shouldn’t keep scaring you all the time.” He whispered, looking down to his mug.

“Dowoon told us what you said at the pond,” Sungjin said carefully. He saw Jae tense, but when the other boy made no move to stop him, Sungjin continued. “Those voices – the ones that tell you those things? They’re lying to you Jae. They’re saying bad things to get you to doubt us and yourself. They’re the ones that are bad, not you. You know that, right?”

“I know… they’re just so damn convincing sometimes…”

“I know, but you’re not alone in this. You have me, and Brian and Wonpil and Dowoon. You’re never alone.”

“Thank you.” Jae said as a tear dripped into his coffee. How he had any more tears, he didn’t know. Sungjin hummed and let his friend cry, only breaking the silence to offer breakfast.

* * *

  
“Jae, can I have a leg check?” Brian asked. Jae’s smile faded a little before coming back, a little shyer than before.

Brian had started doing leg checks the first time he realized Jae hurt himself. It was a good way to track Jae’s progress in recovery and an easy way to tell if the blond had relapsed – any hesitation was in itself a confession.

Jae nodded and pulled the hem of his shorts up to show the plethora of pink and white scars – all in various stages of healing. Even though Brian knew Jae was doing better, seeing no new cuts took a weight off his chest that he didn’t even know was there.

“I’m really proud of you.” Brian said warmly. Jae’s shy smiled turned lopsided as he let his pants fall back into place.

“You shouldn’t be proud of me for not doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing in the first place.” He said, shrugging off the praise.

“But I am proud of you,” The younger boy insisted. “I know how hard it can be for you, with the cravings and the bad days… it’s been almost two months since you last cut. That’s so amazing Jae. I’m so, so proud of you.”

“Thanks…” Jae blushed at the compliments. He was still working on accepting praise rather than rejecting it, so he still got flustered when someone said anything nice about him.

“Let’s go celebrate with some lunch? I know the others are free and Pillie just so happened to have been paid last night.” Mischief sparkled in his eyes and Jae laughed. The others took any opportunity to poke fun at Wonpil’s prestigious job at the local radio station that just so happened to pay almost double any of their on campus jobs.

“Hey Brian?” Jae caught his friend’s sleeve before he could get up. Brian looked at him with a smile, but Jae could see the concern in the set of his brow. “I just… thank you. For being my friend and staying with me when I get bad… I don’t think I could ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re my best friend,” Brian said as he pulled Jae to his feet. “I’d do anything for you.”

“Still,” Jae smiled, and it felt so good to be able to smile freely again. “Thank you.

“No, thank you. For being you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, another hurt/comfort vent fic?  
> God i love writing my depression away. I wish I could write myself away, amiright ladies?  
> I should be updating Dancing Queen but I just don't have it in me right now.


End file.
